Sunday Snippet: Teaching Campers Kindness
It seems that kindness is in short supply these days. Cable news, talk radio, and the blogosphere are loaded with a plethora of gripes, complaints, and even unsupported claims about any number of people, institutions, or issues surrounding us. And texting, messaging, and commenting allows many of us to post mean comments and share nasty opinions without having to be personally responsible for content of our words or even admitting we chose to express them. Cruel sarcasm is the staple of the daily diet of most that are in the broadcast and social media of which we and our children are continually exposed. Any examples of kindness or kind people are quickly drowned out by the noise of nastiness.
As parents, it feels like we are swimming upstream as we try to help our children embrace civility and kindness in their interactions with others. Despite the heightened awareness of bullying and programs designed to combat this destructive behavior in others, hate speech and ugly intolerance seem to be the norm. What can we do to offset the negative messages surrounding our children and create kindness?
Washington Post writer, Amy Joyce explored this issue with Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education, Richard Weissbourd along with the Making Caring Common Project, in her article Are you raising nice kids? A Harvard Psychologist Gives 5 Ways to Raise Them to be Kind (The Washington Post, July 18, 2014). Weissbourd shared the following five strategies to raise moral, caring children, according to Making Caring Common:
1. Make caring for others a priority
Why? Parents tend to prioritize their children’s happiness and achievements over their children’s concern for others. But children need to learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, whether it’s passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for a friend who is being bullied.
How? Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
• Instead of saying to your kids: “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” say “The most important thing is that you’re kind.”
• Make sure that your older children always address others respectfully, even when they’re tired, distracted, or angry.
• Emphasize caring when you interact with other key adults in your children’s lives. For example, ask teachers whether your children are good community members at school.
2. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Why? It’s never too late to become a good person, but it won’t happen on its own. Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others’ lives. Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving—and they’re also more likely to be happy and healthy.
How? Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition—whether it’s helping a friend with homework, pitching in around the house, or having a classroom job—make caring second nature and develop and hone youth’s caregiving capacities. Learning gratitude similarly involves regularly practicing it.
• Don’t reward your child for every act of helpfulness, such as clearing the dinner table. We should expect our kids to help around the house, with siblings, and with neighbors and only reward uncommon acts of kindness.
• Talk to your child about caring and uncaring acts they see on television and about acts of justice and injustice they might witness or hear about in the news.
• Make gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Express thanks for those who contribute to us and others in large and small ways.
3. Expand your child’s circle of concern.
Why? Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends. Our challenge is to help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.
How? Children need to learn to zoom in, by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle and to zoom out, by taking in the big picture and considering the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily, including those who are vulnerable. They also need to consider how their
decisions, such as quitting a sports team or a band, can ripple out and harm various members of their communities. Especially in our more global world, children need to develop concern for people who live in very different cultures and communities than their own.
• Make sure your children are friendly and grateful to all the people in their daily lives, such as a bus driver or a waitress.
• Encourage children to care for those who are vulnerable. Give children some simple ideas for stepping into the “caring and courage zone,” like comforting a classmate who was teased.
• Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about the hardships faced by children in another country.
4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor.
Why? Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect. They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with adults, e.g. “Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn’t like her?”
How? Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to practice honesty, fairness, and caring ourselves. But it doesn’t mean being perfect all the time. For our children to respect and trust us, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and flaws. We also need to respect children’s thinking and listen to their perspectives, demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others.
• Model caring for others by doing community service at least once a month. Even better, do this service with your child.
• Give your child an ethical dilemma at dinner or ask your child about dilemmas they’ve faced.
5. Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Why? Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings.
How? We need to teach children that all feelings are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful. Children need our help learning to cope with these feelings in productive ways.
Here’s a simple way to teach your kids to calm down: ask your child to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five. Practice when your child is calm. Then, when you see her getting upset, remind her about the steps and do them with her. After a while, she’ll start to do it on her own so that she can express her feelings in a helpful and appropriate way.
Some great strategies indeed! But parents may still need help in turning the tide toward kindness. That is where camps like WeHaKee Camp for Girls come in! This is what we do each and every day. We help each girl succeed in community living by helping them embrace caring for others. We offer countless opportunities for campers to share their gratitude with others. We help girls understand that there is a bigger world around them that need their care and concern. Our staff provide consistent and kind role models for the girls to look up to and emulate. And we help girls learn how to recognize their feelings and find helpful and constructive ways to express them. It is what we have been doing for nearly a century.
WeHaKee is a great place to grow in so many ways, but especially in embracing caring and kindness in themselves and in their world. It is what we do and we do it well! Thanks for reading and have a great week everyone!